Atheist Or Pantheist

Our class is supposed to start two weeks ago but as many friends are coming late, very late indeed, there was no class for these two weeks. So I have been doing nothing productive in this period. I have been sleeping, watching movies, writing, and downloading notes for the semester. And most of the time, I have been roving and wandering around. But where can I go; everywhere I go, traffic noises dumb and dump me at times. In a place like Majestic, Bangalore, there is nothing as such as majestic in the Majestic, but the continuous drone of traffic and noises. Everywhere. Though, malls are fascinated to do lots of window shopping.

Majestic is the place away from my place. It is about a distance between Gedu and Phuntsholing. It is the center of all routes; buses, trains and people. Transport facilities are all available here; buses, rikshas/autos, jeeps, cars, and soon metro train is in the pipeline. But of all, bus transportation is a very cheap and reliable one, though; it takes more than two or more hours to reach Majestic. The fare is only rs.13 and if you don’t have change and have to give rs.20; there is a possibility that the conductor would write balance on the reverse side of the ticket, and if you don’t ask for the balance while getting down the bus, they wouldn’t bother to give. That is their business and you know my friend told me every single Indian is a cheater. So be it, if you have a loaded pocket.  On the way, because of traffic jams and frequent stops make one could see scenes around. And what could be the picture; the pollution and noises of vehicles. There are huge numbers of people everywhere, people walking, people eating, people working; everyone is busy. You would lose in the crowd.

As I walked around, I looked around and thought about life. Everything is ephemeral and subject to death. The transitory life is moving fast, seemingly purposeful but everything is meaningless. It is empty and as useless as life. Everyone aims to the aimless, hollow things, at last. It looks like everything has great weight and meaning but we are like having no effect on the substantial things. It saddens me and saddens me to think about leaving the world. Where is a more cruel life than this? Having seen and known everything and then go to the unknown world of darkness.

I recite mantras and counts are on to millions. It was said that there is a light side after death if the count reaches three or four millions. But note that I never pray for myself, I pray for others; others sentient beings, ignorant person like me to bring up close to the heaven. I believe in all religions. People sadly said that I am an atheist or follower of Christian or such types. It’s not good to talk about religion. It’s a personal thing anyway, I have a feeling. My own family accused me when I took very lightly to our religious beliefs, especially the customs and traditions of rituals, offerings, and the deep reverences to some of the fake Lamas and religious people. I told them one day that I hate monks. I have seen and heard monks engaging in deadly and horrific affairs like murder, rape, and other misconducts. They know the consequence of sins, and yet they do all these horrible things which are against the cannons and principles of religion. I have encountered a man who knows everything about religion and knows nothing about the basics of life; doing good and being good. Deep inside me, I, myself think sometimes that I have a heart of butter!! And a heart as good as gold. I have basic human rules in my mind. I have compassion and think good about others. I never engaged in unsocial or hurtful things. I mean good and doesn’t affect anyone. I have these two beliefs in my heart; being compassionate and doing good. I have no intention to hurt others through telling lies or working for the benefit of myself. I don’t like to show. There are outsiders, who act religiously outside and do for the benefit of themselves and don’t bother to care about others’ hearts. Very hurting man. Such a disguise to our religion.