People say take stuff as it comes on the way; time is the only solution. I
know this now! Sitting near the laptop, I feel like some flickering parts of my
life have shattered and the darkness has ascended. A swamp of memories rush in
upon me of long struggles; my afflictions, my wasted life, and my moments of
loneliness. Now, I feel very hurt but I keep back those bad memories and
thoughts to myself. A shameful consciousness of my own person harasses me. I
see myself as clownish, the pitiable guy in a glimpse in the reflection. But I
have learned to shake off myself free of it and continue to caress my life. And
I question now, why I had been so different and hesitant?
It was an awful empty day. The days were the longest and saddest of my
life. That wasn’t before she ditched me like a duster.
She was so incredibly stunning. Central of bait to many people like
me, who had fallen and were victims of love. I played a little role in her life.
She fooled me staying around all my life. I began to sink further into the
bleak of silent love, the more I watched, the more I despised my weakness. She
tormented my thinking; never let me into good slept, visions and images filled
all around me.
There were many students I could name them, who looked physically fine
looking to my eyes, but her history told me that she had never accepted any one
of them. She was viewed as an extravagant girl.
What happened when one loves someone? It was a kind of ambivalent
feeling; I both hated and loved her, what was more? She was charming and
gracious. Love was nothing to do with wealth and fame or beauty. It would simply happen. Loving her would love everything if only I had
her!
I wonder how these beautiful ladies react when they get too much
attention and loving sweet smiles. How do they take in and feel with it? I
guess, they would be flying high in the space. I knew some ladies simply
stab it in the heart with a sweet poisoned knife, shattered green hearts, speak
out the cruelest words, break hearts into pieces, and move away silently. And
guys dissolve into unpredicted works; drinking, drugs, quarrellings, going mad,
attempting suicide, and more unsay-able acts.
These were some of my reasons that made me petrified and regretful.
In the college, I would wait, however, timing the moment when I could pass
her on the stairs and gulp, “Good morning.” And she would answer cheerfully,
“Good morning.”
And that was all that ever passed between us.
Women are like empty pots, waiting for the fillers. They need three
sweetening rubbish reasons to fill them and make feel wanted and happy.
Watching her everywhere, anyplace, anywhere, she would laugh with her
friends, roam with many boyfriends. Her heaven walked the space she occupied.
But she, yes She, the girl whom I loved so much was ignorant of my presence.
“Does she know if someone loved her?” I often asked that. The refusal was the
most horrible drug. In my thoughts, I would have done everything with her. Je
ne sais quoi was she!
My tortured soul told me, “Hold her in now in arms and never let go.” But it
wasn’t worth it. She must have a choice of her own, too. I was shilly-shallied.
“Will she makes a choice a man who he loves very much?” I wondered. At all
cost, I was away from her until and unless she wanted to see me. If not, I would
only suffer.
Two years later, she came to meet me. I saw her again, looking sadden and
worried. My mouth was opened wide when she greeted me lovingly. I busted
into a sly smile. My mind said, “How many years must she want to make me suffer?
Anyway, all love never leads to married life. True, love lasts forever- as long
as you find another true love.”
The karma might have, it did not come to me at that moment. When she put
her hand on my shoulder and closed her eyes and asked, “Are you married?”
I couldn’t answer her. Although, my heart was brimming over with happiness.
Just when I was wishing for it so much, she had come to me of her own accord
.
It was the best and the worst thing happening in my life.
“Why?” I asked.
“He left me and he is dead now!”
“Somebody you were in love with?” I asked her dryly.
A wave of dull anger begun to gather at the back of my mind.
“Yes, a year back when he left me and home cause of some quarrals, on his way his car went off the road. I
think he died because of me.”
Choking with some sobs, she was overcome by her emotions as she dropped down onto my knees.
Raged. A huge rush of thunderstorm raced in my blood.
“Will you kill me too? Do you think I’m a fool-spoiled brat? Do you think I’m your second man-to
come and drive whenever you like?” I said into the voidness. She didn’t hear.
So she had had that romance in her life; a wealthy man died because of her sake.
It pained to consider how poor a part I had played in her life. NO, not
supposedly, it is the biggest role I played in her life.
The lady i had longed for so many years had vanished in just a second. On the
other hand, her girlish beauty had almost gone. But my past feeling towards her
cooled the thunderstorm raging inside. One by one, they all became
shades, and then faded like the dying embers of the fire. Soon generous tears
filled my eyes
. “Did she know what am I going through all those longed
years?”
I was modestly taken by love. It poisoned, most probably by her beautiy. I ask her happily, “Sorry,
what can I do for you”.
“I knew you for so many years that you wish to live with me,” she said in a
remote tone. “I am sorry I ignored you. But why didn’t you tell me the day you
loved me?”
The last sentence seemed to hurt. “Only I was diffident and could not
approach her lead to a story and a wasted life. I regretted.” It rang in my mind.
“Yes now, I shouldn’t refuse you, I need you. I should not blame you for it
was the only love, Choden.”I told her.
Trembled and with a mixture air of delight and sadness, I stood close to her.
She put her hands on my shoulder and at her sudden hug; I had fallen to her so
easily.
But the story I never asked my wife now is about that wealthy lover who died
for her sake. How long will it continue like this? In fact, to our very last
breathe. Because if you dig the decayed stool, it smelled a lot.
Note: This
story is a seemingly reflection of one of my friends and my own in some parts.
